What Your Favorite Presidential Candidate Says About You

Voting for a presidential candidate is a very personal event. You’re in the booth, alone, with a bunch of names of people who will control one of the most powerful nations in the world for at least four years of your life. So, you weigh all the options and each candidates beliefs on subjects and problems facing America and choose the one you think will do the best job. Well, not actually, a study by the American Psychologist Organization has actually revealed that our reason for liking certain candidates is really determined by our subconscious and other factors in our life not relating to politics. They’ve shared their findings with us for each of the remaining candidates for the two main political parties. They are presented here in alphabetical order. *Sen. Booker and Ms. Williamson had not ended their campaigns prior to the study’s publication.

Democrats

Michael Bennet-You had a plain, congenial, bland next-door neighbor while growing up. And he might be that neighbor. You’re not sure though, never did keep up with the…hmmm…Smiths? No that wasn’t their name, oh well. Also, you live in Colorado.

Hey neighbor, can I have a moment of your time? No. Ok, have a good day.

Joe Biden-You peaked in high school and you want America to go back to being in high school. Or, you aren’t afraid to admit that you find the word malarkey to be slightly erotic.

Michael Bloomberg-NYC! Greatest city in the world! You’ve never been there or interacted with any actual New Yorker before, but if he was good enough to be the mayor of the big apple he’s good enough for you. If anyone says they’re not sure about Bloomberg you reply with “forget about it.”

Cory Booker-Rosario Dawson is your god and if you have to make Cory Booker President so the rest of the country can see that by-God, er, by-Rosario you’re going to do it. Plus, when Booker spoke Spanish at a debate it didn’t bother you as much as when the skateboarder from Texas did it.

Pete Buttigieg-You have a gay friend, but don’t actually ever listen to them when they speak. You’re a big proponent of the popular vote which is why you have no problem throwing your support behind a man who won a mayoral election with a total turnout of less than 11,000 votes. Or you’re gay and well, getting to vote for someone who is also gay for President of the United States is something you’ve waited you’re whole life for. It’s not like he’s bad, He’s just, a Democrat from Indiana.

John Delaney-You’re a republican who feels just a teeny-bit bad about 2016. You’re trying, just not that hard.

Tulsi Gabbard-You’ve killed someone before. Only once, you’re not even quite sure why or how it happened. But that one night, in the glow of a full moon, the knife, you saw the light leave their eyes, you’ve never felt so alive. Or you went to Hawaii once and everyone was very nice at the all-inclusive resort so you think everyone from Hawaii is that nice.

Amy Klobuchar-You love the cop from “Fargo,” and anything else that seems to have a mid-western homespun quality to it.

Deval Patrick-You’re a Boston sports fan who lives in Quincy. And/or your last name is Patrick.

Bernie Sanders- You want validation for keeping your “Bernie 2016" bumper sticker on your 2012 Subaru Outback. You find it refreshing when a New Yorker doesn’t bring up New York constantly and like the quaintness of Vermont. You’re troubled by the income gap plaguing America, but also you’re Uncle’s right about you, you and your generation just want free stuff.

Tom Steyer-You loved the charisma of Lincoln Chaffee in 2016 but had wished he was more wealthy. Or you LOVE Starbucks coffee, and think this is the coffee guy.

One of these guys really speaks to you. Or maybe all of them? They might be the same person.

Elizabeth Warren-You respect indigenous people immensely. You also want a cute dog back in the White House. You’re tired of contributing to GoFundMe’s for all of your friends’ sick cousin’s hospital bills.

Marianne Williamson-You want politicians out of politics and crystals to take their place.

Andrew Yang-You’re hoping you’ll be one of the $1,000 a month test-pilot-people.

Republicans

Donald Trump-You saw “Grown Ups” in theaters 12 times and told all your friends about it. You respect the troops so much you would die for them. Not at war, but you would fall out of the stands at a football game while yelling at players to stand for the flag. You would do the same for the police too, but not for the PC thought police. You’re exceedingly rich with little-to-no morals. Or you’re a white guy who thinks they’re five tax brackets higher than they actually are. Or you’re a white woman who’s voting against your own interests. Or you’re just voting against your own interests.

Joe Walsh-You’re a confused fan of the band the Eagles.

Always love staying here when I’m in town. Best hotel in the state of California!-Joe Walsh

William F. Weld-You’re an anarchist, but not a fun one.

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Writes incredibly dumb things in the City of Philadelphia. Some of these things can be found in Weekly Humorist, Points in Case, and Little Old Lady Comedy.

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Michael Leonetti

Michael Leonetti

Writes incredibly dumb things in the City of Philadelphia. Some of these things can be found in Weekly Humorist, Points in Case, and Little Old Lady Comedy.

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