The Washington Post’ s Editorial Board’s Much More Important Presidential Endorsement

As we approach the all-important Iowa Caucuses and beginning of primary season, we felt it was important to give our readers enough time to digest our decision of who to endorse in the upcoming presidential race. Many of our avid readers also subscribe to The New York Times; they, like us, were very surprised by their decision to endorse not only Elizabeth Warren but also Amy Klobuchar for president. While we do not agree with their choice of two candidates we respect the journalistic discussions that led to this decision. Our newsrooms were in close contact with one another and had actually come to a mutual decision to release our endorsements on the same day. Obviously there was a miscommunication but we’re not here to play the blame game. So, let’s get to it.

In a break with convention, the editorial board has chosen to endorse more than one candidate for president.

Bernie Sanders-Some political pundits believe he was robbed in the 2016 primary but that’s not* going to happen this time. He has a clear vision and plan for many of his so-called radical ideas and this editorial board liked what they heard. Initially, The Post was stuck between Warren and Sanders, but we’re not going to be copycats. Sorry Liz! (*May still happen this time.)

Bob Dole-Younger generations may believe that a progressive candidate is the way to both defeat Donald Trump and lead our country to levels of equality and success that have been previously unseen. We here at The Post appreciate that sentiment, but there are just too many voters who are turned off by the idea of a progressive candidate. Which is why we are also endorsing Mr. Dole, a regressive candidate, who can lead us into a very similar era of America to the one that we’re in now. George Bush Senior was initially our choice until further research proved he was dead.

Michael Bennett (NFL Defensive Lineman, not Michael Bennet US Senator)-A major concern for the American voters is who can beat Donald Trump; our answer is simple: a Pro-Bowl defensive lineman. Have you seen a picture of him before? He’s huge. He seems just as qualified as the Senator Michael Bennet, who, may we add, has been voted to zero Pro-Bowls.

Brad Pitt-Our next president will need to not only undo the harm caused by Donald Trump, but also unite us. Who better to do that than the man who has made interesting acting choices over the past few years culminating in numerous honors this awards season? The picture of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt reuniting at the SAG Awards was just too good. It brought this country together for one brief moment. We need more of that.

Avocados-They’ve been having a moment for a little while now. Whether it’s on toast, in sushi rolls, or in guacamole, avocados just plain rule. So why can’t they rule the greatest country in the free world?

Some of you may be upset that The Post is not giving a full-fledged endorsement to any one candidate. But, let us ask you this, is endorsing four humans and one type of food not better than endorsing just two candidates like some papers? That’s what we thought. We didn’t want to endorse any one candidate because it’s you, the little people, who should be having this debate amongst yourselves. We’re not trying to anger our readers anymore, we just want to placate you, write more puff pieces, and get more clicks. And if we made you angry, we’re very sorry. If you subscribe to our email newsletter today with the promo code ANGRY we’ll send you a free tote bag!

The fact remains, Mr. Sanders, Mr. Dole, Mr. Bennett, Mr. Pitt, and Avocado are the Democrats best-equipped to lead our country right now.

May the best person or fruit (yes, avocados grow on trees and contain a seed, and are therefore a fruit) win.