The Truth About The Fight At The End Of The Debate

Many of you know about it by now. There have been dozens of articles and TV segments breaking down the moment, but none of them have come from someone who was right in the middle of it. Until now. I’m Tom Steyer, and I was there for “the incident.” For those of you that don’t know me, I am one of the candidates running to become the 2020 Democratic Presidential Nominee. I’m the billionaire that’s using their own money for their campaign. No, not the coffee one. Or the mayor one. I’m the third one.

Here’s the story, last week, during one of the many democratic candidate debates, there was a fight. I want to say first off, that I was having a great time before this sad event occured. I was very relaxed and remembered most of my talking points. AND I actually remembered what my campaign manager said, which was to maintain eye contact while talking. I’m not sure if you noticed, but whenever I was talking I maintained complete eye contact with you, America. I stared down the barrel of the camera with the intensity of a thousand suns! Anyway, at this debate there were only five other candidates besides me. There were the two key players in “the incident”, Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders. Along with the non-billionaire mayor one, the Amtrak guy, and the one who’s really good friends with Governor Kelly. I want to say her name is May-me, May-me Showbuchar that’s it. She’s great, and a close personal friend of mine. Love you May-me!

Now that you have that background information I’m going to break down the incident for you. I really want you to pay attention to the details. Every small detail is important here. It all started when CNN decided to ask Bernie if he had really said the thing to Elizabeth. Then when Bernie said no, CNN asked Elizabeth if he had actually said that to her and she said yes. It was all very weird. And they never even asked me what I thought about what she said about what he said. Can you believe that?

The responses of Elizabeth and Bernie back-to-back didn’t make either of them look good. After the night’s game concluded we all lined up and shook hands and said things like, “good game”, “nice tie”, or “ have a good night May-me.” Well, most of us did anyway. When Elizabeth went up to Bernie the exchange below happened.

Note: BS-Bernie Sanders, EW-Entertainment Weekly, ElizW-Elizabeth Warren, TS-Tom Steyer

ElizW-”I think you called me a liar on national tv.”

BS-”What?”

ElizW-”I think you called me a liar on national tv.”

BS-”Let’s not do this right now. You want to have that discussion, we’ll have that discussion.”

ElizW-”Anytime.”

BS-”You called me a liar, you told me-alright let’s not do it now.”

*ElizW leaves the conversation

TS-”I don’t want to get in the middle of it-I just want to say hi Bernie.”

BS-”Yeah good, okay.”

After the audio leaked people started coming up with their own theories about what it all meant. I’m here to tell you that this fight went much deeper than just those few words. This fight had a lot of subtext to it. I’ve decoded the fight for you and left the results below.

Note: BS-Bernie Sanders, EW-Elizabeth Warren, TS-Tilda Swinton, TStey-Tom Steyer, Subtext-The Subtext of what was said.

EW-”I think you called me a liar on national tv.”

Subtext-”I love our son more.”

BS-”What?”

Subtext-”What???”

EW-”I think you called me a liar on national tv.”

Subtext-”I love our son more.”

BS-”Let’s not do this right now. You want to have that discussion, we’ll have that discussion.”

Subtext-”Let’s not do this right now!!! You want to have that discussion, we’ll have that discussion!!!”

EW-”Anytime.”

Subtext-”I love our son more.”

BS-”You called me a liar, you told me-alright let’s not do it now.”

Subtext-”Are you calling me a liar, you told me-alright let’s not do it now, not in front of the boy!!!”

*EW leaves the conversation

TStey-”I don’t want to get in the middle of it-i just want to say hi Bernie.”

Subtext-”Dad, please don’t fight with Mom. I love you both.”

BS-”Yeah good, okay.”

Subtext-”I know. I love you too, son.”

So now you know, this whole thing was just a little misunderstanding. I know both my parents love me equally just like I love them. So please stop stirring this pot more and just let us deal with this family issue on our own.

Sincerely,

-TStey

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Writes incredibly dumb things in the City of Philadelphia. Some of these things can be found in Weekly Humorist, Points in Case, and Little Old Lady Comedy.

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Michael Leonetti

Michael Leonetti

Writes incredibly dumb things in the City of Philadelphia. Some of these things can be found in Weekly Humorist, Points in Case, and Little Old Lady Comedy.

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