A Discussion With the Real Voters From the New Hampshire Primary

Now that the dust has settled on our fine state’s primary, the first non-caucus primary of this election season, we wanted to talk to a voter for each candidate to give everyone a voice. This will give all candidates equal time. Which we think is important, even if that time is completely disproportionate to the number of votes they received.

Each of the voters was asked, “Why did you vote for your candidate?” and “How do you feel now that the primary is over?” Any other remarks or questions from us will be bold and italicized and placed within the voter’s response. Candidates are listed in descending order of the percentage of votes across the state they received.

Candidate: Bernie Sanders (25.8%)

Voter: Sam Steyer (37 years old): Well it all started with my brother Tom. Last few times I saw or talked to Tom on the phone, he just kept going on and on about his new best friend Bernie. I liked Bernie during the debates, but mostly I voted for him to appease Tom. He’s always wanted a friend like Bernie, and from what Tom tells me, they’re super close. I feel good. After the results came in Tom called me and you could hear him smiling through the phone.

Candidate: Pete Buttigeig (24.4%)

Voter: Peter Assegieg (62 years old): It’s a name thing. If someone with his name can become president it gives me hope. My whole life people made fun of me for my name and it’s honestly held me back in life. But to think that a man…a man named Pete is in 2nd place right now? That means the world to me.

Candidate: Amy Klobuchar (19.8%)

Voter: Anonymous (Unknown Age): I really didn’t want to screw this up for Amy. And I didn’t want to get fired. (Why would you get fired? Do you work for Senator Klobuchar’s campaign?) Um, this is off the record right? If this gets out she’s going to be mean to me and make me do something sad like wearing a “See how Klobu-far Amy can go” t-shirt in public. (This was all on the record.) Do you know anyone who’s hiring?

Candidate: Elizabeth Warren (9.3%)

Voter: Dickie Jetts (44 years old): No other candidate has talked about bringing a dog back into the White House. That’s what this country is missing. And I’m trying to start a “We Rate Dogs” thing but only for politicians’ dogs. So having a dog back in the White House would be big for me. Right now I’m leaning towards alling the account “I Rate Political Watch-Doggos.” (Huh. Well how do you feel about the primary results?) To be honest, not great. But Warren’s not out of it yet. I still have a horse in this race! (Don’t you mean dog?) No, the expression is horse.

Candidate: Joe Biden (8.4%)

Voter: Dr. Schmill Schmiden (68 years old): I recently moved to Vermont. (New Hampshire.) Right, that’s what I meant. I recently moved to New Hamp-mont about a week ago. I’ve been following Joe’s campaign the entire time. Really, for the past forty-two years. I love him. After today’s results I feel tired, but we’re moving on to Nevada. I think we’re leaving today. (You’re moving again?) Oh, uh, yeah, I’ve loved my time here, but I really should be moving. (Did your moustache just fall off?) Gotta go!

Dr. Schmill Schmiden, who had a sudden case of instantaneous-mustache-alopecia at the end of our interview.

Candidate: Tom Steyer (3.6%)

Voter: Sylvester Gorks (31 years old): There were just so many candidates and too many of them pretended to have all the right ideas and act like they were the perfect person to run this country. That wasn’t the case with Tom though. He showcased all of his flaws throughout all the debates and never wavered in his quest to show his overall goofiness. Plus, he released a Spotify playlist of his favorite music and it was so Tom. He started it off great with three Al Green songs and then later on in the playlist he had multiple Imagine Dragons songs. Again, I just found his relentless pursuit of making mistakes in the public eye to be really admirable.

Candidate: Tulsi Gabbard (3.2%)

Voter: Kenneth Vass (53 years old): Whenever I heard her speak I heard myself speaking. (And for people who don’t know who are you.) I’m the Granite State Grinder, the state’s most renowned serial killer. So as I was saying, whenever she was on the debate stage I recognized the lack of a light in her eyes. (You’re handlers are giving us that sign that it’s time to take you back to the jail.) We are only heading back there because it is my will! And I haven’t quite figured out these handcuffs yet. I’d ask to shake your hand but we both know it wouldn’t end well. I’ll see you later. (What does that mean?) You’ll see!

The Granite State Grinder sporting a “Tulsi 2020” button.

Candidate: Andrew Yang (2.8%)

Voter: Shane Lane (24 years old): I was looking for two things, they had to be a political outsider and they had to be campaigning for a global basic income. So once Yang came on, #YangGang, he checked both of those boxes. He actually did even better than just checking them because his basic income was universal not just global. Blew my mind. (And who will you root for now that Andrew Yang has dropped out?) Now that the #YangGang is no more I’m looking for a candidate with similar sensibilities. Maybe #RidinWithBiden, or #SandClan. Wait, I figured it out. I’m going to join the #PeteyPosse.

Candidate: Write-Ins (1.5%)

Voter: Seymour Buttz (18 years old): Yeah…so…my name is Seymour…Seymour Buttz. (laughs hysterically) (Do you want to talk about voting for yourself as a write-in candidate?) Did you write down that my name is Buttz? (Yes.) No, I’m good.



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Michael Leonetti

Writes incredibly dumb things in the City of Philadelphia. Some of these things can be found in Weekly Humorist, Points in Case, and Little Old Lady Comedy.