Who could’ve seen this happening? — I refuse to take any responsibility for the idea that my continued refusal of the results of the Little League Championship has resulted in the occupancy and destruction of the baseball diamond by the parents of my players. First off, my team, known as “The Red Team”, did not actually…

Don’t hold your breath. On second thought, hold your breath. — FROM: The National Aeronautics and Space Administration TO: The astronauts who have been stranded on the American Space Station since March BODY: We’ve got great news! Everyone at the space agency has worked together to come up with a plan that will see you astronauts through the rest of your…

The future isn’t written, but their’s is typed. — Secretary of State: Mike Pompeo: Goes on to teach Trump’s proposed revisionist history, the “1776 Commision” so he can both continue to lie to and bully people, two of his three favorite things. The third is lying and bullying at the same time. He likes what he likes. Secretary of…

These headlines could cause a mass-panic! — Politics, holiday sales, music, sports, history, and surges, this issue of Greener Pastures has everything you need! Black Friday sale on the non-fiction book, “Black Friday: The Wall Street Crash of 1929,” causes mass-panic at Target stores, which causes their stocks to plummet (Page 10)

He may have taken more than one red pill — I’ve been looking for you, Neo. I don’t know if you’re ready to hear what I have to say to you, but unfortunately, we have run out of time. I’ve heard that the new leader in our city of Zion, Joe, is thinking about canceling the remaining time our fellow…

An elegy for 45 million dollars. — Written with Teresa Douglas, Kegan Witzki, Susan Sassi, and Cassie Soliday. Just because your film was adapted from a hit novel by Ron Howard and stars Amy Adams and Glenn Close doesn’t mean it was a good idea. Put the money towards public education with a focus on teaching kids…

Make sure to follow all the instructions. — Signature and I.D. Issues You didn’t dot your lower case j’s in your signature. Doesn’t matter if your name doesn’t contain a j. The signature on your ballot doesn’t perfectly match the signature on file, which was a squiggly line you signed at your local coffee shop that the state…

These headlines are out of this world! — Politics, celebrity, music, taxes, amoebas, astronauts, this issue of Greener Pastures has everything you need! Pope Francis on Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, Amy Coney Barrett, “She’s too Catholic, even for me.” (Page 27)

Radio and bars can’t solve your problems, but a great bake can. — A dog is not a man’s best therapist I am a quite a learned man, and I am completely appalled by the state of your advice column “Ask Aggie”. I have several degrees in psychotherapy, 11 years as a radio therapist, as well as 11 years of being the de…